


There Are Fifty Two Cards In A Deck

by keicros_caramel



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Acceptance, Angst, Bathrooms, Body Image, Card Games, Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fear of Death, Hurt/Comfort, Illnesses, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Jealousy, Light Angst, M/M, Magic, Oblivious Ushijima Wakatoshi, One Shot, Pining Tendou Satori, Secret Crush, Short, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:00:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25302712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keicros_caramel/pseuds/keicros_caramel
Summary: There are 52 cards in a deck, and there are also 52 reasons why Tendou loved Ushijima Wakatoshi.>> Tendou is ill, and he performs his last show to his favorite audience on his bathroom floor.
Relationships: Tendou Satori/Ushijima Wakatoshi
Comments: 6
Kudos: 86





	There Are Fifty Two Cards In A Deck

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning for mentions and descriptions surrounding death, just in case. Please read the tags, enjoy and luvluv.

There are fifty-two cards in a deck. 

He popped open the Thursday tab on his pill organizer and popped the medication on his mouth, downing it with a glass of uncomfortable room-temperature water like it was the only love he'll get tonight. It wasn't cold nor hot, and it did nothing but dodge the pill that it remained lodged on his throat. He swallowed for a few times to make sure it goes down. 

_What does that make? Two months of ineffective medication?_

He only told Semi, who did his favor of keeping his secret and guarding it with half-meant excuses. The man wasn’t exactly fond of lying, so he convinced him that the excuses weren’t lies. Everytime he texts him about an extension of his hospital stay, there’s always those four words every single time. 

Semi || _You can’t give up._   
Semi || _Coach is starting to get suspicious. You can’t give up. I mean it, man. You can’t die on me._

Reply to Semi || _There’s a limit to how much of this I can afford, man._

Semi || _Tendou stop._  
Semi || _I’m telling Ushijima, do you want that?_

Reply to Semi || _At some point I just have to accept this and let it go. We’re not billionnaires. Medical bills are starting to hurt._

And accept that he did. 

His reflection on the mirror was dull, and it wasn't even the low-watt lightbulb's fault this time. His thin frame is visible now that he was shirtless, and he can see blurred reddish lines of scratches and bedsheet marks decorating his torso. His hands, rested against the cold counter, were wrapped in the bandage-designed finger covers he wore. Beneath, evident in the slight jolts of pain when he holds something, rests a few dozen cuts from practicing his card tricks at the ward while waiting for the next nurse. 

Because if there's three things he's good at, it would be guess blocking, card tricks and loving someone who likes someone else. As if on cue, his phone vibrated nearby. 

Reply to Captain || _come over, im at my dorm._

Captain || _ok, im on my way. im walking out right now._

He can't deny the sigh of relief that came just from the notification. Looking back at the dirty mirror, he just realized how ill he had looked. The bags under his eyes grew the darkest and hollowest it had ever been, with the barely noticeable fading red in his eyes. Downwards, there was a painful bruise sitting right at the crook of his elbow, beaten and cosmic purple under the nasty two-day-old bandaid. He could change it now, but what really is the point? Some hospital needle will be shoved back in there when he returns tomorrow. At that point, he realized even his own cardiovascular system started to fail him as he looked paler and paler everyday. The more blood samples he get, the more he looked like a premature corpse. 

“Satori.”

“Ah, you're here.” He quickly grabbed his hoodie and slipped it on. 

If he looked ill, it must have been the lighting exaggerating his appearance. Nobody at school had said anything in a while, but that only fed to his anxiety that perhaps his teammates knew and just wanted him gone. His rationality hopefully kept those thoughts at bay. Either way, his appearance is starting to catch onto the emptiness of his guts and the slow fading of his heartbeat. He was ill, and dying is a path that looked more appealing the more he looked at his nasty reflection. 

“It's 3 in the morning, Satori.”

“I am very well aware.”

If he was a walking corpse then there Ushijima wasーalso battered from the all-nighters of the exam season but remained just as pristine. Even the unruly waves of his unstyled olive hair seemed like a crease created by wearing a heavy solid gold crown for too long. Tendou's heart both fluttered and sank in his chestーeven his captain's imperfections stood by the belief that he was an elite king and beyond. 

If anything, he felt like Ganymede to Ushijima's Zeus; a pierrot to entertain the noble; the beloved court jester in the royal palace. Not just to the captain, but also to their team in general. If nobody wanted to make some noise to ease off tension, it is his time to shine. 

“...What did you call me for?” he asked. If Tendou expected anything else, he wouldn't know. He kept staring at the man as he made his way to the floor, blinking at the sight. 

“You told me to show you another trick!” he answered, patting the space in front of him. He reached deep in his oversized hoodie pocket and summoned his loveliest deck of cards. With red backs and the original French designs, it was one of his best and most delicate sets. 

One of his favorites and one of his lasts, too. 

The man remained at the doorway, eyebrows furrowing in confusion and concern. 

“Why now?” he asked, “And why here?”

“Now, because I heard you're leaving.” He opened the card pack and felt the weight at his hands, as much as a distraction for the weight of his half-lie. _Yes_ , it is partially because the captain would be leaving for a family reunion, but it was also for his own ticking time. “And here, because this is the only room with a light.”

The man slowly nodded, convinced. “You busted your lightbulbs outside? You should have bought new ones.”

He doesn't have the heart to answer he didn't need to. It's just that doesn't use lights anymore. He cannot stand the sight to walk past reflective surfaces and see the shell of a body he himself destroyed. Shaking the thoughts out of his head, he focused on flashing his the sincerest of smiles he can manage. 

“I'm too lazy to change them,” he answered, cutting the deck in two. 

“How can you study in the dark then?” He took it as a question he doesn't need to answer. Mainly, it was only to point out his stand to change the lights. If he answered, then his secret would be revealedーhe only came back to the dorm to get his things. The last time he went to class, it was last week. The last time he studied, a month ago. The last time he went to practice, it was the day before yesterday.

 _There's no helping it then._ He shifted his attention to the pile of cards and waved it around for Ushijima to see. _There’s only one way for this to go._

“How many cards are in a deck?” he asked, proceeding to riffle-shuffle the cards on the cold bathroom floor. The other man walked in and sat across from him, leaning on the opposite wall. 

“Fifty four?”

“Yeah, counting the jokers on the traditional French set.” Tendou brought the cards to a few cuts before settling it on one pile on his left hand. “But today, we're using 52.”

“Hm, why?” the other man tried, leaning his elbows on his knees. “Do you hate jokers now?” 

The other man's eyes glinted with rare amusement, and he had a feeling he was just trying to ease the tension off the room. He must have been at the door watching for longer than he assumed. If even Ushijima starts to try and adjust, how bad could he have looked? 

_Thank god it's 3am._ Everyone looked like monsters in the early morning, not just him. That’s another great excuse he can pull. 

“I don't, why would I? They're important. I am a magician, after all!” He winked, tapping the card pile onto the floor to even out the sides. “And as one, I can make impossible things happen.”

He really wished he can. 

“Anyways!” He clapped, placing down the pile neatly on the space between them. “Time for the show!”

The other man nodded, tilting his head to watch. “If you please.”

He smiled before clearing his throat. Ushijima really liked his card tricks. He wished it was special enough that he would miss him for it. 

“Today, my sole gentleman, we will divine some truths in the past, the present, and the future,” he started, voice echoing around his four walls. It was a sound he was familiar with, as he always practiced his "show face" in front of his bathroom mirror. “These pile of fifty-two cards is special, you see. Unlike tarot cards, these divination cards go straight to the point! The truth is in what it says on the tin. There are sentences written on each one.”

Sentences he spent his hospital mornings on. 

“Woah, I see. Please continue.”

“Now, what we are going to divine is your interpersonal relationships. Please pick a person in your head, who is preferably someone you are having any sort of problems with right now.”

_And I have an idea who you will choose._

“...Okay.”

“You got 'em? Good! Shall we begin?”

“Should I tell you who it is?”

“Mhm,” he paused, “It wouldn't be necessary.”

If he were honest, it's just that he's afraid to know. He had a guess at the back of his head, and it would only kill him with dread depending on what would turn up. 

_That Aoba Johsai setter._

He reached for the cards and spread them out on a fan. 

“First, let's divine you and that person's past. It is where the roots of your current predicament stands, and the truth will prevail in the clarity your first card will bring. It might help you resolve whatever issue you have right now with that person,” he said, almost choking at the last bit. “Please pick a card.”

“You sound really into it right now,” Ushijima chuckled lowly, the sound sending Tendou's breath stuck in his throat. 

“I...yeah?” He watched as his captain leaned down on the card fan, his hair drooping down softly to his forehead and his cheeks puffying as it rest on his knees. “Just...pick a card already, damn.”

He closed his eyes for a moment before thinking to himself: _This first card is the reason why I was drawn to you._

_Ushijima, divine it for me._

“This one,” he pointed. Tendou slowly slid it out of the pile and flipped it around, reading the handwritten message he wrote with some crappy marker. 

'You focus more on your goals than anything else.'

Accurate. 

“Huh.” Ushijima smiled softly, picking the Four of Diamonds from the floor and rereading his so-called divination. “That made sense, Satori.” 

“Really?” He grabbed the card and slid it out to the side. I liked you because of your ambition, Wakatoshi. I really want you to know that. “So, goals, huh? That must be the reason why you were drawn to this person, too.”

He looked at the captain expectantly, looking forward to the confusion at his brave guess that the person was the one Ushijima liked. The captain looked up at him, though he quickly looked back down. The next words made him quickly regret his guess. 

“Yeah,” he agreed, combing his fingers through his hair. “Now that you said it, our own goals did get intense. It was one of the things we had in common.”

“Oh?” He forced a smile as the name popped into his head, clawing slowly out of the thought bubble it sheltered on. The name grew into a monster, feeding onto the bits of his heart that remained. “Is it...Oikawa?”

Ushijima didn't address the voice crack. “Hm? You said it wasn't necessary.”

 _Ah, so was it actually him?_ With all his might, he bit his tongue. _Of course it was him._

“You're seriously shooting me with my own bullets now?” he scoffed, trying his best to contain the monster. As long as it remains inside, away from his tongue, it would be fine. He would be fine; _he had to be_ , for now. 

“Anyways, let's continue to the present!” He placed the first card back to the case, almost flicking it away like a disgusting used tissue to the trash. “You see, the past cannot be changed, while the future is uncertain. Divining the present will-“

His voice cracked again, this time very much noticed by his sole audience. Ushijima widened his eyes, hiding his soft smile onto his sleeve. 

“Oh hell to it, just pick a card for the damn present.” This dense idiot really had the gall to laugh at his voiceー _the audacity!_

He slowly breathed out. At least it brought back some needed lightness in the room. 

“I'm sorry, it just surprised me,” the other man exclaimed, cheeks tinting rose that remained flattering despite the dull indoor lighting. He can only take in the sight in silence, his annoyance at the man quickly washing out from the angelic features his genes blessed him with. “I suggest you go to sleep after this, Satori. We have exams tomorrow.” 

_No need to rub that on my face, Ushijima, you gorgeous idiot._

If he can have a genie to grant him some wishes, one of them would be being just as flawless as the man sitting in front of him. The one and only Ushijima Wakatoshi doesn't even have to try, he already looked regal just from the way he carries himself. 

And most of all, he was healthy. He was kind, caring and gentle. He doesn't use curse words. He looked dashing even while he’s tired. People look at him with wonder when he walks in a room confidently. The notorious Ushijima Wakatoshi is one amazing person. 

And he's nowhere near _close_ to that. 

Even now, he’s still crossing the thin line between wanting his bestfriend and becoming his bestfriend. What could be better than the other?

“This one.”

“Flip it over,” Tendou replied, still caught in his trance. His voice let out to be whisper, his own parched throat betraying him and the last show he'll probably ever pull. “Read it.”

He inhaled sharply again, closing his eyes. _This time, it would be the reason why I feel the way I do right now to you._

Ushijima starts to read. 

'You apologize even if you're not caught.' 

He leaned his head back at the revelation, counting the parts the paint missed on his ceiling in an attempt to keep his emotions at bay. He can feel the captain staring, possibly raising a brow and tilting his head; something he does everytime he wanted answers. In that moment, he had one. 

“What does that mean?”

“It means you're a good person, Wakatoshi.” He looked back down, meeting him in the eyes. “Your heart is always on the right place. When you did something wrong, you own up to it.”

The other man remained silent. 

“Honesty is one good ass virtue to have, you know? And responsibility, too! Not many people are honest in this world.”

“...I guess,” Ushijima hummed after a few seconds of silence, straightening his back. Tendou thought it must have been because of sitting on the cold hard tiles. It pains him to think he wasn't bothered by them anymore, as if his spine is slowly starting to get accustomed to flat laying surfaces of perhaps wood or steel coffins. 

“You don't looked convinced,” Tendou said, watching the other shift in discomfort. “Oh, you can take a seat at the tub.”

“Thank you,” he said, pulling himself up and doing so. He met his eyes before looking straight ahead, fidgeting with his hands. “I...uh, I guess I knew I'd always been good.”

“And?” Tendou raised a brow, beckoning him to continue. 

“I didn't need to be good, though. I needed to be enough.”

_What?_

“The hell do you mean?” The words slipped out of his mouth before he could think it through. Ushijima jumped at the sudden retort. “You're more than enough, Wakatoshi!”

_You're everything I wished I could have, and could have been._

“I...well, Shiratorizawa is known for sheer force, but force runs on energy that runs out. You always have to make up for that energy while the opponents only have to focus on draining it.” 

Ah, of course, the volleyball metaphor. 

“Is that how you really think?” Tendou hummed, playing with the strings on his hoodie. “Man, it's making me feel bad now...”

“Why?” Ushijima looked at him. 

“You know! We're a team built around you. We want you to shine and we're okay with that. When you talk like that, it felt like you're disappointed in what we accomplished.”

“I...didn't mean it that way,” he deadpanned. 

“No, of course you don't.” Tendou looked back down on the fan of cards, picking up the present card of Six of Spades and placing it on the case. “I'm sure next year's team will be the greatest it had ever been.”

“Why next year? Not everytime?”

Now, Tendou had no energy to answer that. 

“Let's go back here. Let's divine the future, yeah? This time, it will be a guide to a solution that might mend the issue between you and....that person.”

Hate started to fill his guts. He hated how gorgeous his captain was. He hated how he would miss praising Goshiki and Shirabu. He hated how he would exit their life without a goodbye simply because he’s afraid. He hated how he wallowed in his own misfortune that perhaps he wasn’t really enough. He hated how illness seemed like heaven’s way of getting rid of useless things like him. He hated the ache in his chest when Semi told him Oikawa went by yesterday and visited Ushijima. He hated how, at the picture Semi sent, Ushijima looked happy— _happier_ than before. 

He hated how he would miss him, though Ushijima would only miss Oikawa more. 

“Are you in a rush?” 

Tendou scoffed. “It's 3 in the morning, man. I'm sure you wanted to sleep.”

The monster kept clawing at the bars he kept it in. He’s fine, always. 

“No, I just woke up,” Ushijima said as he scanned the cards with his palm. He decided to pick the last on the far right. 

“Oh you do?” Tendou watched as the captain flipped it and read the markings. For the last time, he made his prophecy guess under his breath. 

_This last card is the reason why we're never meant to be._

“Hm? I don't understand this.” Ushijima blinked at the card a few times. 

“Read it,” he said, closing his eyes and inhaling deeply for the eventual plunge. _Go on, Wakatoshi. Tell me why you can't see me the same way you see that setter. Tell me why I'm just a jester while you're looking for your queen. Tell me why I could never be good enough for life._

The tears would burn, but he'll die anyway. Ushijima will get to his senses and will get Oikawa to listen, but he'll die anyway. They will all die anyway. 

_It will be okay, Satori._

'You feel like a good magic trick.' 

“Ah.”

“What does it mean?”

“Dying is a good magic trick. You do feel like dying.” He chuckled, swallowing the revelation down. 

“What are you talking about?”

“I mean!” he said, smiling the more sincere one he ever had in a few months. “I mean...like, how often have you seen a good magic trick? How many times?”

Ushijima stared, as if counting on the gears turning in his head. 

“Only once,” he answered. “The trick you showed me before.”

He nodded. 

“ _Once_ ,” Tendou repeated. “And you also only die once.”

Ushijima looked at the King of Hearts on his hand, and Tendou crawled closer to grab it to put back on the fan. He gathered the cards and slipped it back to its box. 

“It means you're someone that only occurs once in a lifetime, Wakatoshi.” He tapped it shut, meeting his bestfriend's eyes with sincerity. “Hopefully, Oikawa will realize that and fix things with you. That's your...divination.”

And as Ushijima Wakatoshi feels like a one-in-a-trillion magic trick, people like him deserves someone who is just as amazing. 

Ah, so that's why. _You're up on the throne while people like me can only look._

He handed the box to the captain, pushing himself up and stretching his arms over his head. Ushijima seemed to catch on, frowning in confusion and concern. 

“Satori, is there something you’re not telling me?” Never once did Ushijima demand something before, and now that he did ask, how bad does he really look like? 

He turned around, smiling nervously. He cannot run away this time. He knew they won’t speak like this again. 

“I may have lied, Wakatoshi,” he said. 

“Where?”

“I'm not going to school anymore, not in two weeks at least,” he finally admitted, focusing his gaze not on his face but on his captain's hands. Those were the hands that stunned their opponents, that cared for the most stubborn of plants, that patted a dejected teammate in a subtle show of support. Those were hands he was dying to holdーfull of life, power and warmth. It clutches his deck of cards gently. 

“So Semi's not lying then?” Ushijima stood, “You're still sick. How long had it been? You told us you were fine.”

He should have known Semi would lie. 

“Yes,” he said. “I'll spend some time recovering until I come back.” 

He still isn't sure if he'll actually try to. 

“Why didn't you tell me sooner?” Ushijima frowns at him deeper, eyes betrayed and questioning. “How bad is it?”

“I don't know,” Tendou answered to both, voice cracking at the end. He internally cursed himself for sounding so utterly pathetic, but knew better than to let it out in front of his bestfriend. 

“...Satori.”

“Yes?” 

He waited patiently for the words that will never come. 

“Ushijima, don't worry. I'm recovering, that's why I stopped by!” Another half-lie. “And I'm a magician remember?”

He raised his brow, coaxing the other to continue. Ushijima laid his head on his shoulder, shocking him. 

“And magicians can make miracles happen.”

Tendou seized the moment and wrapped his arms around his bestfriend's body, sinking his head onto the broad shoulders he wished he can take. Ushijima returned the action tighter, holding onto him for his entire worth. 

The tears came before he can stop them, the earlier monster unleashing in form of warm tears that stained the other's clothes. The shaking and trembling of their bodies led their knees to collapse on the hard flooring as they held onto each other for dear life. Ushijima's grip on his hoodie was sure to keep it crumpled for as long as he had them, and even then he would thank him for the concern. 

“Wakatoshi, look at me,” he sniffed, pulling away slightly only to be met with avoidant eyes and single tear streaks from each eye. “I'm sorry.”

“If I didn't ask, you wouldn't tell me.”

“I'm sorry, okay?” he sniffed, wiping his face onto his hoodie sleeve. “I'm just...”

_Taking precautions._

Ushijima leaned onto him once again at the silence. For once, he relished onto the warmth like it was the only thing he had ever known. It was the warmth of the pain of solely being friends. It was the warmth of sore muscles as his own body started to adjust to eternal rest. It was the warmth of life leaning onto fear, wasting away despite the heart still beating. In a few seconds, he felt so alive for the first time in a short while. 

He reached between them and placed his cold hand over Ushijima's, the deck of cards cradled inside. For a second, he wanted to tell him what the cards actually were, but he held his tongue and cupped his head onto his body instead. 

“I made these cards for you just yesterday,” he said, soothing the trembling on the other man's shoulders with gentle strokes and pats. “I hope my damn tricks are good enough that you tell the freshmen about them.”

“You have to tell them yourself.”

“Yes, sure.” He closed his eyes. 

“I don't fight alone, Satori.”

“...You sure don't.”

“And you don't need to fight alone, too.”

“...I sure don't.” He choked back a sob, caressing the hands holding the cards. It was the same set of hands he wished he can hold as he fell asleepーthe only thing more precious than the deck of cards themselves. 

_These are 52 reasons why I love you, Ushijima_ , he wanted to utter, _but they're probably the same reasons you liked someone else._

He wanted to scream it out, to grab Ushijima by the shoulders and say it to his face. However, fear is stronger than love, and magicians aren't supposed to share their secrets. _Magicians cannot create miracles._ Magicians are only liars, built on using deception to entertain. But when Ushijima held onto him like he was afraid he'll disappear to thin air, maybe being a liar can still take him a long way. 

He leaned onto the other man closely, chanting in his head the apologies he cannot voice out. As a final prayer on whatever deity guided his miserable life, he hoped it was the closest to death he can get. 

_Fin._

**Author's Note:**

> I once did the same thing to my cards. I gave them to someone as a reminder of the fifty-two reasons I liked them. 
> 
> Let’s just say it did nothing but cost me a perfectly good set of cards.


End file.
